Amor,

I love celebrating your birthday the most. Because I love celebrating you. Every day that I spend with you is the best. The last year and a half of being your wife has been the best. Thank you for loving God most. For loving me second most. For being my solid rock. And my dance partner.

For being... "the light in the cracks 

The one that's mending the camel's back 

Slow to anger and quick to laugh 

More heart and less attack

Ever growing, steadfast 

And if need be, the one that's in the gap 

Never turning back 

Quick to let go, slow to react 

More heart and less attack 

The wheels not the track 

The wanderer that's coming back 

You leave the past right where it's at 

You're more heart and less attack" 

I love you forever.

Psalm 11

"In the Lord I take refuge;

how can you say to my soul,

'Flee like a bird to your mountain,

for behold, the wicked bend the bow;

they have fitted their arrow to the string

to shoot in the dark at the upright in heart;

if the foundations are destroyed,

what can the righteous do?' "
As I go through my day, many voices tell me to run and hide. The voice of Satan, other people, even my very self, tells me that God might not be fully aware of my circumstances right now, so I'll probably need to look out for myself and take cover while I still can.
I probably need to nag my husband one more time about fixing the car, because God might not have noticed that it's broken. And I probably need to spend the whole day worrying about how I'm going to accomplish the entire month's activities, because if I don't worry about those things then who will?
But that's not how I'm supposed to live.
I'm supposed to send my mind and my heart to take refuge in the Lord.
Why?
Because "The Lord is in his holy temple;
the Lord's throne is in heaven;
his eyes see, his eyelids test the children of man."
1. He is holy
2. He is King
He is both Good and Sovereign. His eyes see every minute detail of my life. They see my soul wandering in the wasteland of my desperate, anxious, busyness. And in their gracious wisdom they 'test' me. They see what is in my heart, and they want to expose it so I see it too.
Unbelief.
Which leads to unrest.
"The Lord tests the righteous,
but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence."
It is an incomprehensibly loving thing that He does.
This testing, this discomfort, that reveals my unbelief and leads me to trust and rest again.
He heals me, not my world.
It is me He wants to change, not my circumstances.
If He did not love me, He would certainly leave me to my own fatal devices.
"For the Lord is righteous;
he loves righteous deeds;
the upright shall behold his face."
To behold His face.
That is the great and gracious gift that He longs for me to lay hold of.

Our second nest.

This year has felt a little like a marathon to me. We've had a lot to figure out, haven't we? With being beginners at marriage, volunteering with Collegiate Ministries, taking classes, moving, and all the rest. You've learned that you need to slow down and be still every now and then. I've learned that being part of a team means something different than I thought. Maybe it's because of my lack of team experience (aka opting out of every organized sport while growing up!) but I always thought that being on a team was all about being strong enough to pull your own weight, and then help everyone else pull theirs, too. I never realized that being part of a team also means asking for help. Why is asking for help one of the hardest things in the world for me? I suppose it's because it means admitting my weakness. Acknowledging my need. I came onto this team with high expectations for my own performance. I intended to keep my chin up and my shoulders square and carry all the weight of those expectations on my own. And I try. And the weight bears down and the cracks in me widen. And then I remember. I remember that I'm on a team. And you're there. And you take some of the burden off and let me ride a little way on your shoulders. And that was how it was meant to work all along.

I'm thankful that you've challenged me this year. I'm especially thankful that you've helped me to get up at 5:30 every morning for Bible study. I could never have done it without you. And I definitely love Jesus more than I did before. So thanks for pushing me to do what's good for me. And thanks for encouraging me to rest and sleep in when I needed it, too.

I'm still bad at asking for help, but I'll keep trying. And just so you know, I love the team we've become this year. I love how I boil the water, and you put in the oats. How you pour my orange juice while I make your sandwich. How you shovel the snow off my car and put away the dishes.

I want to be newlyweds for life. I mean, I want to always feel like a newbie at this. To always be marveling and learning and practicing together. Figuring out what it really means to be in this magical mystery, serving and being served for the love of God.

Let's never stop.

It's hard, leaving everything and everyone you know.

It's hard, not being there to hold your sister-friend when she loses her first child.

Or to hold the breathing first child of another.

Most of the time I'm afraid to admit how hard it is.

I guess I'm just scared of people despising my weakness.

There is a serious lack of comfort in leaving what you know.

The shape of you - the hollows worn in your heart by consant familiarity with people and places - it doesn't fit anymore.

It doesn't fit anywhere.

So the carving begins again.

The erosion begins, ever so slowly, to hollow out new places.

New places in your heart to hold new people.

The old hollows still bring a pang when you run your fingers over them and remember.

But you only do that when you're not busy working out the new hollows.

And, ever so slowly, (almost imperceptibly) you're an altogether different shape than you have ever been before.

And when you go home you don't fit there anymore either.

That is life.

It's hard.

Hard because you never really fit anywhere and comfort is just an illusion until you truly arrive Home.

It's hard.

But is it worth it?

Yes.

It is worth it to be carved into that which you cannot imagine.

It is worth the learning to trust the Carver who is carving you to fit perfectly into an Eternal Home.

Emptied the shed and had a garage sale.
Couldn't resist light coming through cracks and dirty windows..

If I DELIGHT in God's law, if I MEDITATE on His law
(which is LOVE,
SACRIFICIAL LOVE),
then I will be like a tree by a river.
Well-watered, my soul well-fed and nourished,
ABLE to give.
Always GIVING,
yet always REPLENISHED.
My soul will be satisfied and I will not whither in the face of any trial
because of the water that sustains me.

Stop trying so hard. Just be.

I just want to be real.

I am so tired of the bondage of falsehood.

The bondage of making sure there are awesome pictures of me on facebook.

The bondage of editing my photos so they will knock people's socks off.

The bondage of comparing myself to every other human being I see.

"What is she wearing? How is her hair? How is her makeup? If I looked like her then I could accept myself and be happy."

I'm tired of living for an audience of imagined judges, with myself at their head.

I'm tired of groping, straining, striving for attention and approval.

Tired of obsessing.

Tired of being a slave to fantasy and lies.

The fantasy that if I could look like a movie star every time I step out of my house I would be a better human being and people would love me. That if my house looked like an interior decorating magazine and if I could do all those pinterest projects I've been collecting, instagramming them along the way, I would have more value as a person. People would admire me, praise me, imitate me, and that would quantify the worth of my life.

The lie that things aren't good enough as they are. That the world God created needs to be filtered, enhanced, tweaked, yeilded to fad, to be impressive enough for our jaded eyes.

I want to be real.

I want to be me.

I want to see the world as it is: not edited, cropped and amped up for wow factor.

Just beautiful because of Who created it.

I want to re-train myself to appreciate things the way they are.

Real things.

Real.

Like the clean, green smell after rain.

Like the zucchini plants shooting up in my garden.

Like sleepy good morning smiles, and the manly smell of my husband after a hard day's work.

Like laundry piled up because the time seems better spent making adventure memories with people we love.

Like the colors of an un-photoshopped sunset that can't be captured, except in memory.

Like walking and holding hands and just being. Together.

Because it is ENOUGH.

And it is GOOD.