Psalm 11

"In the Lord I take refuge;

how can you say to my soul,

'Flee like a bird to your mountain,

for behold, the wicked bend the bow;

they have fitted their arrow to the string

to shoot in the dark at the upright in heart;

if the foundations are destroyed,

what can the righteous do?' "
As I go through my day, many voices tell me to run and hide. The voice of Satan, other people, even my very self, tells me that God might not be fully aware of my circumstances right now, so I'll probably need to look out for myself and take cover while I still can.
I probably need to nag my husband one more time about fixing the car, because God might not have noticed that it's broken. And I probably need to spend the whole day worrying about how I'm going to accomplish the entire month's activities, because if I don't worry about those things then who will?
But that's not how I'm supposed to live.
I'm supposed to send my mind and my heart to take refuge in the Lord.
Why?
Because "The Lord is in his holy temple;
the Lord's throne is in heaven;
his eyes see, his eyelids test the children of man."
1. He is holy
2. He is King
He is both Good and Sovereign. His eyes see every minute detail of my life. They see my soul wandering in the wasteland of my desperate, anxious, busyness. And in their gracious wisdom they 'test' me. They see what is in my heart, and they want to expose it so I see it too.
Unbelief.
Which leads to unrest.
"The Lord tests the righteous,
but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence."
It is an incomprehensibly loving thing that He does.
This testing, this discomfort, that reveals my unbelief and leads me to trust and rest again.
He heals me, not my world.
It is me He wants to change, not my circumstances.
If He did not love me, He would certainly leave me to my own fatal devices.
"For the Lord is righteous;
he loves righteous deeds;
the upright shall behold his face."
To behold His face.
That is the great and gracious gift that He longs for me to lay hold of.

This year has felt a little like a marathon to me. We've had a lot to figure out, haven't we? With being beginners at marriage, volunteering with Collegiate Ministries, taking classes, moving, and all the rest. You've learned that you need to slow down and be still every now and then. I've learned that being part of a team means something different than I thought. Maybe it's because of my lack of team experience (aka opting out of every organized sport while growing up!) but I always thought that being on a team was all about being strong enough to pull your own weight, and then help everyone else pull theirs, too. I never realized that being part of a team also means asking for help. Why is asking for help one of the hardest things in the world for me? I suppose it's because it means admitting my weakness. Acknowledging my need. I came onto this team with high expectations for my own performance. I intended to keep my chin up and my shoulders square and carry all the weight of those expectations on my own. And I try. And the weight bears down and the cracks in me widen. And then I remember. I remember that I'm on a team. And you're there. And you take some of the burden off and let me ride a little way on your shoulders. And that was how it was meant to work all along.

I'm thankful that you've challenged me this year. I'm especially thankful that you've helped me to get up at 5:30 every morning for Bible study. I could never have done it without you. And I definitely love Jesus more than I did before. So thanks for pushing me to do what's good for me. And thanks for encouraging me to rest and sleep in when I needed it, too.

I'm still bad at asking for help, but I'll keep trying. And just so you know, I love the team we've become this year. I love how I boil the water, and you put in the oats. How you pour my orange juice while I make your sandwich. How you shovel the snow off my car and put away the dishes.

I want to be newlyweds for life. I mean, I want to always feel like a newbie at this. To always be marveling and learning and practicing together. Figuring out what it really means to be in this magical mystery, serving and being served for the love of God.

Let's never stop.

It's hard, leaving everything and everyone you know.

It's hard, not being there to hold your sister-friend when she loses her first child.

Or to hold the breathing first child of another.

Most of the time I'm afraid to admit how hard it is.

I guess I'm just scared of people despising my weakness.

There is a serious lack of comfort in leaving what you know.

The shape of you - the hollows worn in your heart by consant familiarity with people and places - it doesn't fit anymore.

It doesn't fit anywhere.

So the carving begins again.

The erosion begins, ever so slowly, to hollow out new places.

New places in your heart to hold new people.

The old hollows still bring a pang when you run your fingers over them and remember.

But you only do that when you're not busy working out the new hollows.

And, ever so slowly, (almost imperceptibly) you're an altogether different shape than you have ever been before.

And when you go home you don't fit there anymore either.

That is life.

It's hard.

Hard because you never really fit anywhere and comfort is just an illusion until you truly arrive Home.

It's hard.

But is it worth it?

Yes.

It is worth it to be carved into that which you cannot imagine.

It is worth the learning to trust the Carver who is carving you to fit perfectly into an Eternal Home.

"Thou hast shown me that because thou art mine

I can live by Thy life,

be strong in Thy strength,

be guided by Thy wisdom;

and so I can pitch my thoughts and heart in Thee."

 

"With Thee I can live without other things,

for Thou art God all-sufficient,

and the glory, peace, rest, joy of the world

is a creaturely, perishing thing in comparison with Thee.

Help me to know that he who hopes for nothing but Thee,

and for all things only for Thee, hopes truly,

and that I must place all my happiness in holiness,

if I hope to be filled with all grace."
 

                                        - The Valley of Vision


If I DELIGHT in God's law, if I MEDITATE on His law
(which is LOVE,
SACRIFICIAL LOVE),
then I will be like a tree by a river.
Well-watered, my soul well-fed and nourished,
ABLE to give.
Always GIVING,
yet always REPLENISHED.
My soul will be satisfied and I will not whither in the face of any trial
because of the water that sustains me.

Lately

Guys, I just don't know what to say about life lately except that God is good.
Sometimes God's good for us includes trouble and suffering, and sometimes His good for us includes peace and provision. And sometimes it's a mixture of both. Right now Jeff and I are in a season of experiencing that peace and provision.
Now, don't go getting too jealous, cause we're certainly not in a state of perfection.
But we would be remiss if we didn't give God praise for His works.

Last week I started my new job. A PERFECT job working for people I like, pretty much choosing my own hours, and getting paid more than I've ever gotten paid for a job in my life. And it was the only job I had to apply for, and it came at just the right time... before I started pulling my hair out from staying home all the time. Thank you Lord!

Also last week God provided us with a used Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, older, but in good condition, and in our price range. Just what we wanted for our camping/exploring/adventures! And finally, God provided a person to back into Jeff's old Ford Escort and total it! We had been planning to sell it after getting the Jeep, but instead we are getting more for it than we paid for the Jeep. Thank you Lord!

Let us rejoice in the circumstances in which we presently find ourselves. Good or bad. Yes, it is much harder to rejoice in bad circumstances. But right now I am enjoying rejoicing in gracious circumstances. Because RIGHT NOW is my favorite. Being married to the man I love is my favorite. Having a hard little midget of a couch is my favorite. Going to bed and waking up in a cold basement is my favorite. Because it's US and it's NOW. Saturdays are my favorite. Because we get to go wherever we want and do whatever we want. We mostly go exploring. Exploring is my favorite. Here are some pictures from our last exploring trip.
xo